dweller.

For as long as I can remember, my top new year's resolution has been to stop dwelling. It's bad - I'm a major dweller and fixate on hindsight. Everything from food orders at restaurants and missed opportunities on cheap airline tickets to things I should have done during our grease fire or the big decisions we're all forced to make about our lives, dogs, loved ones, jobs... 

Dwelling doesn't sound like much of an issue but it is for me. These little things literally eat me alive. While I've gotten better over the years, I still find myself loosing tons of sleep and fixating on things that, "I should have done," that "we should have thought about it," saying over and over, "why didn't I just do that?" ... It seems silly, right? I know. It is to me too but I can't help it.

Years ago, Danny finally snapped at me (and he rarely gets mad at me) because he said I started every sentence with, "I Wish." It drove him nuts to think I was never 100% happy. "I wish I would have ordered that." "I wish we would have done this at our wedding." "I wish I would have thought of this sooner." His genuine annoyance really helped me realize that it's not a very becoming trait and I need not fret over such trivial things. Thanks to him I've become much more conscious of my "I wish" habit.

However, the control freak in me can't help but dwell on missed opportunities or seemingly dumb mistakes. But that's life right? At least that's what Danny tells me... "It is what it is, babe. Just relax. It will work out." I know he's right since I'm a big believer in the old "everything happens for a reason" but sometimes that just doesn't help settle my dwelling ways. I wish I could take a "let it go" pill... anyone know of anything like that?

I'm trying hard to get better. Even publicly admitting this is helping me. We're currently in the midst of a situation that is really testing my "quit dwelling" resolution. Last night was filled with "wtfs? why didn't we?" but I also deep down know that there's a reason. Already in 2011, I've seen a couple seemingly bad things turn out to have been for the better. I love when you have that moment - sometimes days, sometimes weeks or months - when everything suddenly makes sense.

If you're reading this, consider this your permission to yell at me the next time you catch me dwelling or starting my sentence with, "I wish." I have a great life... a wonderful life and I need to learn to let the past go and have faith that things have a mysterious way of working out...

Let's face it. Everyone has 20/20 hindsight. What fun would life be without some surprises?